Early Retirement Policy


Dear employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained…

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 Aged 80, the Octogenarian triplets are believed to be among the oldest in the country

doctors feared these triplets would not survive, and they are now celebrating their 80th birthdays together. Amazing!!!


Octogenarian triplets who doctors feared would not survive celebrating their 80th birthdays together. Amazing.

When triplets Audrey O’Donnell and Alan and Eric Lucas were born in 1933 they were so tiny their chances of survival looked slim.

Without the the benefit of today’s technology, doctors had predicted their mother Doris may have been carrying twins using an ear trumpet.

Audrey was born first weighing 5lb, followed by Alan 20 minutes later weighing 3lb and surprise addition Eric came 20 minutes after that at just 2lb.

octogenarian triplets

They were wrapped in cotton wool and cooking foil to keep them warm.

But against all the odds, the trio have just celebrated their 80th birthdays, surrounded by many of their 35 grandchildren.

They are believed to be among the oldest surviving triplets in the country.

In 2011, Ronald, Eric and David Thurman celebrated their 80th birthday in Oxfordshire.

They were known as the ‘Tabloid Triplets’ because their picture was published in a national newspaper when they were born in 1931.

Eric, Alan and Audrey’s birthday celebration was a rare get-together for the siblings because Eric has moved to Wales.

But there was a time when the three were inseparable as they grew up together.

Grandmother-of-21, Audrey O’Donnell, who lives with husband Bernard in Wythenshawe, Manchester.

Describing what she was told of their birth, she said: ‘They used one of those ear trumpets and said that perhaps there was a second heart beat but they weren’t sure.

‘So it was a real shock when three of us arrived, there was a dash to get more nappies. They wrapped us all in cotton wool and cooking foil to keep us warm.’

The triplets were such a rare sight, their father Edward was inundated with requests from baby food companies to use the triplets in advertising, but he turned them down.


But for the boys, being identical did have some advantages.

Alan, who lives in Heaton Mersey, said: ‘We were in the same cricket team and I could bat and bowl while Eric couldn’t bat. So I used to pretend to be him and go in twice to bat – nobody noticed.

‘I suppose officially that would be cheating but it worked well. We won the match.’

Audrey later worked in insurance while Alan became a director for Ford and Eric worked as an insurance broker.

Eric, who lives in Anglesey with his wife Anne, said: ‘I woke up one night with chest pains and the next day I found out Alan had had a heart attack. I did have one later and I’ve had four all together. We’ve all had our ups and downs but we’ve come through them.’

The trio admit they have always been competitive.

Eric said: ‘We’re all good friends today, but we don’t see much of each other. I have to say Alan’s a bit rotund compared to me but we all get on well together. We’re a good family.’






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